Even More "Please Don't Let Any Of These People Become President" Merchandise Awards
Of course we weren't done yet
Yesterday, I published a guide to GOP primary campaign merchandise. We all had fun. Well, not “fun” exactly, because Mike Pence featured prominently in the whole affair, but you get the point. I gave out fake awards, we all became slightly more aware of Doug Burgum, and then we went about our lives. The only problem was: There was so much more cursed merchandise to highlight! So we’re back again. May God have mercy on our souls.
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That’s all for housekeeping. Let’s get to the main event! Extremely bad merchandise ahead!
The “Most Fonts Per Word” Award
This is such a maddening image. Part of it isn’t the campaign’s fault. I can’t for the life of me understand why the Stock Image Tote Bag Lady is holding her bag like that. It looks so uncomfortable! I get that you want to show off what’s written on it, but why wouldn’t you just, you know, drape it on your shoulder? That’s what “toting” is all about!
But again, it would be unfair to lay that problem at the foot of the DeSantis campaign. What I can say, though, is that “Mamas For DeSantis” is a three word clause. Surely a fiscal conservative like Ron could get the job done with a single font. Why, then, did his team go with a Pinterest Ransom Note approach? Did they steal one font each from three different Etsy stores and hope that nobody would notice? Did they originally put “DESANTIS” in that willowy cursive font, but then the big boss caught wind and threw a pudding-fueled tirade because his name looked too girly? Is the “for” trying to separate itself from the whole affair, a slick little plausible deniability move?
I mean, yes, obviously. On all three counts. Beautiful stuff.
The “Least Effective Attempt To Cash In Off Of A Stupid Culture War Dust-Up” Award
Hey, remember earlier this year, when a lot of conservatives pretended to be mad at a beer company because, um, trans women aren’t allowed to drink beer, damnit? That was a pretty good moment for humanity, all things considered. Well, Vivek Ramaswamy remembers… I guess?
Let’s see. Apparently, this koozie posits the existence of a beer company called “Bud Right” which, in turn, utilizes two slogans in its marketing: “Courage Is Contagious” (this tracks, because as we know the most courageous thing any human being can do is to be afraid of a mass produced malt beverage because you’re mad at the lady who drank it once), and, uhhhhhh “Truth Over Relativism” (which I can only imagine was Vivek’s own contribution to the pitch meeting, because he was like “ok, so we have to establish that our current crisis dates back to the Frankfurt School and the emergence of postmodernism in the academy” and his whole team just listlessly nodded along like “yeah, whatever millionaire boss, just keep signing the checks”).
Really fun koozie! I like how Vivek’s face is the “I” in “Right.” I absolutely can’t wait to whip this out at the most insufferable parties known to humankind.
The “Mama Mia!” Award For Campaign Merchandise That I Can’t Stop Reading In The Voice Of The Stereotypical Italian Chef On the Pizza Boxes
This one goes to Asa Hutchinson, a real human being who is technically a part of the 2024 Republican primary.
Listen, I know literally nothing about former Arkansas Governor (is that right? I’m not looking it up!) Hutchinson. What I do know, though, is that he is the bravest candidate to ever run for President, for this reason alone: