The 2024 White Pages Awards
The most glamorous morning in newsletter-ing is back, and bigger than ever
A preface: I do this list every year. It’s one of my favorite pieces to write and I sincerely hope you enjoy it. In past years, I’ve tried to explain what’s going on here, but that just confuses matters. Are you familiar with awards? These are awards. That’s all you need to know. There’s a paywall, since this is how I make a living. It’s well worth the cost, particularly if you want to see a thoroughly haunting cake decoration and a very cute cartoon axolotl, and/or listen to a song that might make you cry. If you don’t have the cash, though, and would like a comped subscription, just toss me an email (no explanation needed). I’m garrett at barnraisersproject.org.
Also: paid or free, I appreciate you all for being here, truly. One of the best things about 2024 was connecting with so many of you in so many ways (including in person!).
Enough with the preface. Let’s give out awards…
COW OF THE YEAR
I only know three things about this cow. First, that it is a Holstein. Second, that it was beloved enough by its owners to be shown off at the Wisconsin State Fair. Third, and most importantly, that its name is “Fast N Furious.” Oh my God what a great cow name, made all the better for its inaccuracy. Dairy cows, famously, are neither particularly fast nor furious. Have you ever been to an all dairy cow rodeo? There's a reason why Taylor Sheridan is not currently scouting Viroqua as the site of his next drama about Western Men Who Make Hard Choices.
If you’ve been around here for a while, you know that I have a great deal of affection for the Fast and Furious franchise, which is ostensibly about cars that fly but is really about enjoying al fresco dining with your best friends. When the last one came out, I took the train to Chicago so that I could view it with my Fast and Furious friend (that is, my friend who loves Fast and Furious as much as I do). This year, that same Fast and Furious friend surprised me by driving up from Chicago for my book launch. She’s the best, my Fast and Furious friend. I highly recommend finding one of those. I also highly recommend this cow, a holstein with a perfect name.
If it isn’t clear, I’m not completely sure which of the pictured cows is Fast N Furious, but I can only assume that it is the best one.
GRAFFITI OF THE YEAR
I was in Pittsburgh over Labor Day for a family event. It was a commitment ceremony, so like a wedding but also not a wedding. It was lovely. One morning I deliberately woke up far earlier than my family so that I could walk around town and take pictures. You see, Pittsburgh is basically my platonic ideal of an American cityscape (Milwaukee with topography). That’s how I got this particular shot, as well as many others of well-worn VFW halls advertising bingo nights.
As for the graffiti’s message, laws are in fact arbitrary (heart). Now, as a middle aged dad, I’ll remind you that some of those arbitrary laws are well worth following, just for the sake of being a decent human being. But also, if the next few years play out how some of us fear, we may very well have reason to resist a few arbitrary laws. It sounds like mass deportations are on order, and if that’s the case, and if they come to your town, then I know three words scrawled in front of a particularly scenic Rust Belt skyline that may be of use to you and your neighbors.
GAS STATION PIZZA OF THE YEAR