The Definitive White Pages Guide To Christmas Movies

A very special episode to round out the year

Ok, here’s the origin story for this essay. I wanted to write one more public post before closing up shop for 2022 (since Tuesday’s post was for paid subscribers only). I tossed around a couple of ideas, but this one— about Christmas movies— just felt right. The only problem? Well, if I waited to post it until Tuesday, Christmas would be in the past. So here you go: a special Friday White Pages.

Thank you, again, for all your support this year. I hope that the upcoming week is the best week of 2022 but not nearly as good as all the weeks you’ll enjoy in 2023. And as always, if you’re wondering “what should I get Garrett Bucks, the guy who sends me emails about White people, for Christmas?” the answer, of course, is a subscription to this newsletter. As Mariah Carey once sang…“All I Want For Christmas, isssssss…[Sustainable Financial Support So That I Can Afford To Pay For The Childcare Expenses That Enable Me To Have Time For Writing and Organizing.”].

Oh, and what did I get you? An absolutely gorgeous watch chain! I had to sell all my hair to afford it, though, so I really hope you love it.

What is The White Pages Guide to Christmas Movies?

It’s a list of Christmas movies, with thoughts about what they teach us about Whiteness.

Why?

Would you rather I write another 3000 word essay about cultural appropriation or class fakery? I don’t mean that as a threat. I liked those essays. But I assume both of our brains have turned off by this point in the year.

But I don’t watch Christmas movies for thoughts about Whiteness. I watch them because they fill me with holiday cheer.

That’s great! It sounds like you have a healthy relationship to these films.

So, is this a critique of those movies?

No. The world is hard enough as it is. If a movie makes you happy, you should keep watching it. I love (many of) these movies a lot!

Why Christmas movies? Shouldn’t you have made this list more inclusive?

I think it would have been tokenizing if I threw “Adam Sandler Presents... Eight Crazy Nights” into the mix and was like… “there you go, Jewish readers! I gave you a blurb!” By focusing on Christmas movies, I’m not inferring that we are all watching these movies. I’m just saying that this is a clear genre that many people watch during this time of year.

I see you included Die Hard. Are you officially wading into the very tired debate about whether or not that is a Christmas movie?

No! I don’t have an opinion. But I did want to say a few things about Die Hard and Whiteness, and this seemed like the place to do so.

Are these in any order?

Nope!

No more questions! Onto the movies!

Ok!

HOME ALONE

What is this movie about?

It is about how to protect your house from two profoundly ineffective burglars when your extremely large, wealthy (and panicky!) family accidentally goes on vacation without you. If I remember correctly, it is also an extended ad for Micro Machines, the toy cars whose only selling point was that they were very, very small.

What does it teach us about Whiteness?

That you— a wealthy (and panicky!) White parent— were correct to move to a cushy suburb, because even if you are to physically leave your young son alone in the house for an extended period of time, he will still be OK.

Oh but also, even your cushy suburb is rife with burglars so you should live in fear all the time.

Also…

I looked quite a bit like Kevin Mcallister growing up (intense blondness, overly expressive face, etc.). I wouldn’t say that Extremely Blond Boys are underrepresented in media but I’m still grateful to this film that showing that people like me could protect our houses from exactly two ineffective burglars using elaborate booby traps. I couldn’t be what I couldn’t see.

HOME ALONE TWO: LOST IN NEW YORK

What is this movie about?

It is about how, if you leave your child alone in New York, they will get to meet a very cool real estate mogul/media personality named Donald Trump.

What does it teach us about Whiteness?

New York is a theoretically scary place, but not if you have a credit card, access to luxury hotels and a heart of gold.

What does it teach us about real estate mogul/media personality Donald Trump

That he is a cool and good guy who helps lost boys find the lobby and who presumably would also make a great President who won’t do coups.

MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET:

What is this movie about?
It is about how a number of grown adults become consumed with a bone-deep desire to bring down a nice man who is good with children and claims to be Santa Claus.

What does it teach us about Whiteness?

We really love trying to get people fired and institutionalized! Also, we have very strong opinions about Santa, which, you know, checks out.

LOVE ACTUALLY:

What is this movie about?

It is about how there are only about a dozen people who live in London and they are constantly falling in and out of love with one another. It’s also about sexual harassment in the workplace (a topic that you’d think the movie would wholeheartedly be against, but you’d be wrong!).

What does it teach us about Whiteness?

That we can make all sorts of awful (and morally reprehensible) choices and things will still pretty much turn out in our favor (unless we cheat on our wife, Emma Thompson).

Anything else we should know about this movie’s racial politics?

There are multiple Black best friends in this one, including a supportively anonymous Black husband. Please don’t ask me for any supporting details about the Black friends and/or husband. None are provided. Tell him its carol singers.

Oh also, this seems notable: This movie is racist against… the Portuguese!

IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE:

What is this movie about?

It is about how being kind will both deepen your ties to your neighbors and help build a better community. It’s also anti-suicide! Good themes.

What does this movie teach us about Whiteness?

Well, there’s a pretty strong insinuation that— if the Savings and Loan can be saved from rapacious capitalists like Mr. Potter— Bedford Falls will be a highly functioning, communitarian, social democracy. Pretty cool. It is also a very White town, which raises a fascinating question; Let’s say that Bedford Falls were to— over the course of multiple generations— become significantly more diverse. Will its model social democracy open its arms to all its neighbors or will the false consciousness of Whiteness result in increasing support for political reactionaries? Will it buck the trend of international Whiteness or devolve into just another bastion of implicit and explicit White supremacy?

Sorry, I got ahead of myself. A country I love and respect voted for a bunch of Nazis this year. George Bailey, though? Great guy!

DIE HARD:

What is this movie about?

It is about how— no matter the size or severity of the challenge— the only person who stands between polite society and chaos is One Tough Cop With Marital Problems.

What does this movie teach us about Whiteness?

Oh, this is fascinating, actually. One could argue that this is one of the most well-preserved time capsules of 1980s Whiteness. First off, you have the ostensible villains— money hungry terrorists who pretend to be left-wing radicals (which of course reflects the dominant post-60s skepticism that the White left were all posers and scam artists; see also, Forrest Gump). But what’s more interesting is the movie’s implicit antagonist, the Nakatomi Corporation itself, which represents that era’s deep fear of the West becoming subservient to a newly muscular Japan. Don’t forget Nakatomi executive Joseph Takagi’s jokey aside to the movie’s Tough Cop protagonist: “Hey, we’re flexible. Pearl Harbor didn’t work out so we got you with tape decks.” A rich text!

Is there a Black best friend?

No doubt. Played by the legend, Reginald VelJohnson no less.

Is the movie copaganda?

I mean, most definitely, but in an interesting way. It is copaganda for one cop and one cop alone. Most law enforcement officers are depicted as being woefully ineffective, likely because they have uncomplicated marriages. But while it takes two partners to sustain a strong marriage, it only takes one Tough Cop to prop up the carceral state.

A CHRISTMAS STORY:

What is this movie about?

It is about BB guns and sexy lamps and freezing your tongue to playground poles. Also Christmas!

Garrett, have you seen this movie?

Nope! But I feel like I’ve caught the vibes.

So, you’re not really in a position to explain what it teaches us about Whiteness, right?

I mean, I can only assume, given that it is set in a slightly fictionalized, mid-century version of Hammond, Indiana, that it is an epic multi-generational exploration of how the ethnic European working class was assimilated into Whiteness and the ways that assimilation process closed the door on the potential of pan-racial working class solidarity with Blacks, eventually setting the stage for race riots, White flight, the “Reagan Revolution” and the rise of Trump. What’s more, I assume it explores all of this against the backdrop of Northwest Indiana (“The Region”), one of the most fascinating industrial non-melting-pots in America. Sounds like a really powerful movie! I can only assume that the sexy lamp is a metaphor.

BRING IT ON:

Garrett, are you seriously claiming that Bring It On- a thoroughly sun-baked tale of competitive teen cheerleaders in Southern California- is somehow a Christmas movie?

Oh, not at all. I just want to encourage you to watch Bring It On.

Why?

Well, just to be clear, the gender politics don’t hold up at all (there are a couple of scenes that are downright abhorrent) but the racial politics are actually fairly sophisticated for its era. I’d argue there hasn’t been a more effective depiction of cultural appropriation (and the dilemmas therein) on screen, either before of since. And it’s got a good ending that doesn’t crash and burn into savior tropes. Plus, Kirsten Dunst and Gabrielle Union’s performances are absolute gifts, and what’s Christmas about? Gifts!

Are you really going to end this with Bring It On? What about Elf? Or National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation? Or The Muppets Christmas Carol? Or White Christmas?

I think this is already long enough! And the Substack editing app is getting grumpy about all the pictures I’ve already added. But if I missed a movie (and I did!), you are absolutely welcome to bring it up in the comments or join the very good discussion that’s already started in Wednesday’s subscriber space.

You’re not even going to tie it together?

In conclusion, Christmas movies are a land of contrasts…

END NOTES:

Song of the week:

I recently had the epiphany that for those of us from the Mountain West, our definitive heartbreaking modern Christmas song isn’t The Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York,” (a great song, but that belongs to the metropolitan East)… it’s “Twin Falls” by Built to Spill. If you know, you know.

As always, you can find the collected song of the week playlist on Apple Music or Spotify.