"The part of me that tries to learn only through shame and regret is no more useful than the part of me that seeks absolution through judgment and projection." GOLD. Thank you, Bucks.
Thank you, Garrett. This is a great reminder to be kind to yourself and others. I, too, have wrinkles in my eyes and complicated layers of white guilt and finger pointing tendencies.
"The part of me that looks back on 2020 and wants to judge the actions you did or didn’t take doesn’t actually love justice. Neither does the part of me that seeks absolution through self-flagellation."
This was like pausing and taking a deep breath. Social media often feels like it's engineered to encourage being stuck inside of these kinds of ultimately pointless arguments — exactly like our stupid, egotistical brains do! Having this particular closed-loop tendency arriculated—and put in perspective—is enormously helpful! Thanks, you rule.
Well I’m glad that it’s not just me that turns on a social media space and quickly becomes overwhelmed with the points and counterpoints I suddenly need to make to a stranger.
Beautifully well said, Garrett! And painfully true. I waffle even now between wanting to write about racism and equality, feeling like as a white woman I should step aside to let other voices be heard, and also feeling like if I don't speak up then my silence makes me complicit.
I settled on writing about it and taking criticism and advice as I go. I care about human rights, so I'll fight for them. If I mess up then I can learn- the writing life is all about review and revision after all!
I appreciate you admitting that it’s a tricky balance and that you waffle over it. If I can offer something, I think that a lot of thoughtful White people have taken the very good advice of “oh there’s a lot I don’t know about the lived experience of people of color” to mean “I don’t have anything to say about living in a racialized world!” and that mental jump is a shame. Yes, your Whiteness holds a potential to cause harm and mess up but that doesn’t mean that you’re just a bundle of deficits with nothing to add to the conversation!
Garrett--what strikes me most about this essay is 1) you are zooming in on how shame/blame culture just perpetuates violence and harm and 2) you name that our collective societal response to grief post COVID is an avoidance response, which makes me wonder how many folks, especially cis hey White folks, have avoidant attachment styles. It’s hard to move forward in reimagining a co-liberated world if we are unable to sit with our own feelings about hard things, or witness others in their sitting with feelings about hard things, without resorting to shame and blame.
This is my morning coffee reading and I LOVE it. So much has stood out to me:
I wear our collective unkindness in my soul in the same way that I wear the wrinkles under my eyes.
There was a period of time when we judged each other for forgetting a land acknowledgment; two months later, we were rolling our eyes whenever we heard an earnest voice share that they were speaking to us from the “unceded lands of…” For years, having read a book by Robin DiAngelo was proof in certain circles of your anti-racist bonafides; seemingly overnight, owning a copy of White Fragility became a punchline at best and a scarlet letter at worse (even though nothing had changed about the content of those books or DiAngelo’s broader message).
You’ll notice that I’ve been saying “we” here, which of course is a pretty slick rhetorical safety net. “We” sounds reflective while actually being accusatory. “We” is a good stand-in when I want to say “you all.” Let’s remove the false security of plural pronouns for a second, as well as the ego-gratification of the past tense. You know why I am so quick to judge other progressive White people? A lot of reasons. Some of it has to do with the fact that I’m not just a White person generally, but a cis White guy. I’ve spent the better part of a lifetime of assuming that I get to be the smartest person in every room. Of course I’m apt to default towards know-it-all-dom.
Also, you seem to have nailed that holy grail of an audience - here it doesn't seem like you're preaching to the choir but that this would be a helpful piece for white folks who are social-justice curious. Especially the self aware part in that last paragraph I quoted:
Some of it has to do with the fact that I’m not just a White person generally, but a cis White guy. I’ve spent the better part of a lifetime of assuming that I get to be the smartest person in every room. Of course I’m apt to default towards know-it-all-dom.
Are you aware of the work of Miki Kashtan and her thoughts around patriarchy?
Curious how you work through your own “turning away from hard feelings” if that comes up for you, or with your own shame and blame cycles when you notice them (about self or others). This essay is actually a good example of the latter--of noticing your imperfections and holding yourself accountable but also finding a way toward kindness and care
I think like for all of us, I have good days and bad days at it. I think one thing I’ve been interested in lately is how for so many years my implicit goal has been “try to completely eliminate all the mindsets and patterns of inaction and action that you think are unhelpful” which is pretty impossible! It’s hard getting used to the alternative, namely noticing and being curious about the instincts I have that don’t serve me well and trying to create the conditions that make them less automatic, but it’s also cool and fun!
"The part of me that tries to learn only through shame and regret is no more useful than the part of me that seeks absolution through judgment and projection." GOLD. Thank you, Bucks.
Love you, Court!
Thank you, Garrett. This is a great reminder to be kind to yourself and others. I, too, have wrinkles in my eyes and complicated layers of white guilt and finger pointing tendencies.
Thanks Nate. Don't we all!
"The part of me that looks back on 2020 and wants to judge the actions you did or didn’t take doesn’t actually love justice. Neither does the part of me that seeks absolution through self-flagellation."
This was like pausing and taking a deep breath. Social media often feels like it's engineered to encourage being stuck inside of these kinds of ultimately pointless arguments — exactly like our stupid, egotistical brains do! Having this particular closed-loop tendency arriculated—and put in perspective—is enormously helpful! Thanks, you rule.
Well I’m glad that it’s not just me that turns on a social media space and quickly becomes overwhelmed with the points and counterpoints I suddenly need to make to a stranger.
Beautifully well said, Garrett! And painfully true. I waffle even now between wanting to write about racism and equality, feeling like as a white woman I should step aside to let other voices be heard, and also feeling like if I don't speak up then my silence makes me complicit.
I settled on writing about it and taking criticism and advice as I go. I care about human rights, so I'll fight for them. If I mess up then I can learn- the writing life is all about review and revision after all!
I appreciate you admitting that it’s a tricky balance and that you waffle over it. If I can offer something, I think that a lot of thoughtful White people have taken the very good advice of “oh there’s a lot I don’t know about the lived experience of people of color” to mean “I don’t have anything to say about living in a racialized world!” and that mental jump is a shame. Yes, your Whiteness holds a potential to cause harm and mess up but that doesn’t mean that you’re just a bundle of deficits with nothing to add to the conversation!
Garrett--what strikes me most about this essay is 1) you are zooming in on how shame/blame culture just perpetuates violence and harm and 2) you name that our collective societal response to grief post COVID is an avoidance response, which makes me wonder how many folks, especially cis hey White folks, have avoidant attachment styles. It’s hard to move forward in reimagining a co-liberated world if we are unable to sit with our own feelings about hard things, or witness others in their sitting with feelings about hard things, without resorting to shame and blame.
Oh boy does that last sentence ring true
This is my morning coffee reading and I LOVE it. So much has stood out to me:
I wear our collective unkindness in my soul in the same way that I wear the wrinkles under my eyes.
There was a period of time when we judged each other for forgetting a land acknowledgment; two months later, we were rolling our eyes whenever we heard an earnest voice share that they were speaking to us from the “unceded lands of…” For years, having read a book by Robin DiAngelo was proof in certain circles of your anti-racist bonafides; seemingly overnight, owning a copy of White Fragility became a punchline at best and a scarlet letter at worse (even though nothing had changed about the content of those books or DiAngelo’s broader message).
You’ll notice that I’ve been saying “we” here, which of course is a pretty slick rhetorical safety net. “We” sounds reflective while actually being accusatory. “We” is a good stand-in when I want to say “you all.” Let’s remove the false security of plural pronouns for a second, as well as the ego-gratification of the past tense. You know why I am so quick to judge other progressive White people? A lot of reasons. Some of it has to do with the fact that I’m not just a White person generally, but a cis White guy. I’ve spent the better part of a lifetime of assuming that I get to be the smartest person in every room. Of course I’m apt to default towards know-it-all-dom.
Also, you seem to have nailed that holy grail of an audience - here it doesn't seem like you're preaching to the choir but that this would be a helpful piece for white folks who are social-justice curious. Especially the self aware part in that last paragraph I quoted:
Some of it has to do with the fact that I’m not just a White person generally, but a cis White guy. I’ve spent the better part of a lifetime of assuming that I get to be the smartest person in every room. Of course I’m apt to default towards know-it-all-dom.
Are you aware of the work of Miki Kashtan and her thoughts around patriarchy?
First off thank you so much. And no, I'm not yet familiar with Miki Kashtan's work.
Love this essay so much. Thinking of you and all of us today.
Thanks so much maureen
Curious how you work through your own “turning away from hard feelings” if that comes up for you, or with your own shame and blame cycles when you notice them (about self or others). This essay is actually a good example of the latter--of noticing your imperfections and holding yourself accountable but also finding a way toward kindness and care
I think like for all of us, I have good days and bad days at it. I think one thing I’ve been interested in lately is how for so many years my implicit goal has been “try to completely eliminate all the mindsets and patterns of inaction and action that you think are unhelpful” which is pretty impossible! It’s hard getting used to the alternative, namely noticing and being curious about the instincts I have that don’t serve me well and trying to create the conditions that make them less automatic, but it’s also cool and fun!
Appreciate it so much, Lauren!