The very first text I received this morning was from my brother. He said, “now is a good time to tell you I love you.” And that will be my response to everyone’s questions.
My 5 siblings are in the same cult. Once my 88 year old Mom dies and there is no one to shame them into talking to me (at Christmas), I will have no family and be all alone in this world. I can't tell if it's a blessing or a curse.....
I'm so sorry for your family estrangement, especially as I've gotten to know you in this comment section as such an amazing connector with other human beings.
I'm not there yet because I've been loving the hell out of neighbors for years now only to see them vote on straight party lines, to re-elect a congressman who doesn't show up to vote in the House because he's on their team, to vote for grifters and white supremacists up and down the ballot because they have an R next to their name, to re-elect state Supreme Court justices who aren't even qualified according to the law society but were appointed by the little governor in white boots, to hand over their critical thinking abilities to particular leaders because of their innate fear of the other. Garrett, I wish I were as evolved as you are. I've baked cookies for these people, offered them the ability to charge phones after a hurricane knocked out power, told them the Waffle House was open. I can't.....anymore. They've told me who they are and it breaks my heart.
Martina, I'm so sorry, and just want to affirm that you're allowed to feel every ounce of hurt and betrayal right now. I can only imagine how much it hurts to care so much for your neighbors and to have it feel like they don't care a lick about you or so many of us. I know that myself and most of the people reading this aren't your physical neighbors right now, but is there any way we can show up for you as a neighbor in this time?
Hi, thanks for your message. If you read me, you may have figured out that I'm pretty resilient and I'll get on with life. This isn't going to send me to my fainting couch. You and so many others in my Substack neighborhood are already showing up in a wonderful way. Keep doing your work and I'll do mine and together we'll avoid succumbing to darker instincts.
One thing I'd like to add to this -- an update of sorts that's relevant to your overall work. I golf with two Black women who are older than me. One is in her late 60s and the other in her 70s. All three of us drank the hopium Kool-Aid when Biden stepped aside and it looked for a moment like the momentum had shifted in the Democrat's favor. The other day when we met and I shared my feelings they looked at me with pity. It was as if they were saying, "Poor little white girl, get used to it.. We live in the South and we understand who surrounds us. As long as as they keep their pitch forks in the garage, we're good."
Martina. I’m so sorry and I have had these experiences too. Even with some of my own family members. It is a betrayal, you’re right. It feels that way because it is.
I’m still in touch with them but we are not as close, because we can’t be. Put your love and energy into people who see your humanity. You deserve it ❤️ Your people are all around, including right here. They will hold you up.
Thanks for this, Garrett. One of the things I’m grateful for right now is knowing people like you and being “in community.” Thanks for being here and continuing to be here. ❤️
“I hate what you’re likely feeling right now, but I’m also grateful for it. At the core of our shared sadness and rage is a longing for a better world for all of us. We’re scared for each other. We’re angry on each other’s behalf. We’re heartbroken, not just individually but collectively. Those are devastating emotions, but they’re also beautiful ones.”
I went through and unsubscribed to every remotely political Substack and podcast (not this one, I love the discussions here). But my goal right now is to stick my head in the sand and tell everyone I know that I don't want to know what's going on in the world. I'm in my 50s and I'm too tired to care anymore. Grateful I live on an island (literally) in a blue state.
A very reasonable reaction, Sue, and also a good reminder that even in our heads in the sand moments we all need some form of a community (and it's such an honor to have this community be one of yours).
I actually thought earlier today that I've spent my whole adult life - since I was 25 - working to make the world better on a number of ways from reproductive choice to AIDS prevention and awareness to solutions for the unhoused and victims of human trafficking to helping women entrepreneurs find community - and so much more. And that now, I am both tired and feel as though the country has moved an on arc, not towards justice, but towards hate. And perhaps I should just shut down all of my social media and find a job in the "non-creating-change" world. But I don't even know how to do that - and when you're 50 years old, and your entire resume points towards creating change, I don't know how one would even go about find that job... at a minimum, thank you for sharing your feelings here, so I know I am not alone in mine.
Well I'm here for it. You made me melt into tears. We feel lonely in this world of self righteousness. I'm here for you. I couldn't read everything you wrote because I cannot see through my tears. I've worked for the Democratic party, I've worked for the Greens, I've worked for the Socialists. I did all of the things I was supposed to do and it was never enough. I'm not popular and neither are my views. I believe in nature striving and people doing better. I strive to make myself the best I can be to help my family and those in need because I know I too am nature. I've spent almost 45 years giving to those in need. Now, I hid in hopes of not getting hurt by anyone anymore. I believe in the teachings of Octavia Butler. Her words are in my thoughts. For seven years, I've written and funded a prisoner's life and helped his family be reunited with him as he serves 30 years for murdering a gang member when he was 21. I say all of this to be seen as a person who cares and wants more from this world. I care and I love deeply.
I love every ounce of your care and love and tenacity and willingness to keep the work going when it feels like you're alone and, as somebody who often feels quite alone in my dreams of a better world, I want to assure you that not only are you not alone but damn do I appreciate you.
Thank you, friend. So grateful for you and this community you have created, especially today. I’m struggling to imagine what words I could share with the community I lead and this helps. It’s always back to love even when loving feels impossibly hard. ❤️
Also just want to share that the silver lining of today is the fierce love of my 17 yo son. Lately he’s been a bit of an entitled ass, but this morning, I found him in front of his computer with his head in his hands after reading the news. After school he hugged me for a long time and has been so gentle with me as I’ve grieved. What a gift to see that noble, kind-hearted kid is still in there.
Now THIS feels like a message worth sending, about these little miracles of better connected humans in times of stress, about how many of us, much of the time, can act like 17 year old entitled asses to at least somebody in our lives, but when something large and traumatic reconnects us with our sadness and vulnerability, our loving tender hearts come out.
Garrett, just wanted to use this as another opportunity to thank you for all that you do. My one bit of happiness last night was that Alexandria voted in a full slate of pro-housing council members. It's because of Barnraisers that I got involved in the housing movement here in my predominately white, predominately well-meaning liberal community who also have a strong NIMBY streak. Not only have we been able to make positive changes and are starting to see a narrative shift but I've also found it really fun and I love the increased sense of connection and caring I have for our city and those in it.
Stephanie I'm so happy for you and your community! This is why I love Barnraisers, because I get to be connected to the best, most big hearted folks around and, thanks to that connection, I'm now invested in places and fights that I otherwise would know little about
Also, I spent yesterday working as an election officer which was an extremely long day (we were there 4:45am-9:30pm) but also a fantastic distraction. By the time I got home I was too exhausted to jump onto the roller coaster of election returns so I went to bed.
Truly did my heart good working with 15 other strangers with the shared goal of putting on a free and fair election. So many new voters, so much diversity. And we worked hard to resolve the multitude of issues that could stand in the way of someone being able to vote. So grateful that Virginia recently passed same day registration (especially when our governor was doing registration purges that got upheld at the Supreme Court!)
Lost count how many times I've already shared this. Thank you for your wisdom, Garrett.
I'm thinking about the HL Menken quote "A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.” We need to be clear-eyed about the challenges and damn well better be hurt and angry, *and* may we also be a people who look for beauty, not death and despair.
Except I don’t have enough time or energy left. I’ve been hearing similar messages too often. Bless you & all you good ones out there. The rest can go F off.
I thought I was ready for this election outcome, but now that it's happened, I don't think I was. Not that I didn't prepare logistically, but there's a certain grief to it that I didn't anticipate, about what the alternate timeline could have been like.
I've spent these past two years (the first years of my working life) in my dream job, but everything I've accomplished seems like it could become irrelevant if I have to leave the country to maintain my access to healthcare or if I'm forced out of my job, either of which could plausibly happen under a Trump administration due to the specific ways I'm vulnerable. And then what would be the point? Maybe I should have thrown this career away and spent my time doing something more important.
The thing that frustrates me the most is that the things I'm good at doing and the things I'm interested in doing don't seem to be the things that the world needs right now. I don't want to give anything up, but I also don't see how I can play an adequate part in mending our divided world if I don't.
Just appreciate all the layers and vulnerability in this comment. A couple things I'm sitting with in particular:
1. I think the way you talked about your particular form of grief (grieving the alternate timeline that didn't happen) REALLY resonates with me but I hadn't put those words on it previously. Thank you.
2. Re: your great gift for the world and what we need right now, I think it is an immense gift to KNOW what gives you energy/you do uniquely well and it's also a great gift to be willing to keep eyes open and see how the parameters of what we need for the mending keep on evolving and revealing themselves. My sense is that we're gonna need the best of everybody, even if that's not yet clear.
This is really very helpful. Because I walked around today feeling like my world got flipped upside down (again...fool me once, etc.). Like, who ARE all these people who are so unbothered by cruelty to others that they can not only overlook it but vote for it? For the highest office in the land? But that is the reality. And the reality is that it is a decent portion of the people i encountered today- my neighbors and
people at the doctors office and who served me coffee at the drive through and waited for our kids to finish dance class.
And I can be sad, devastated, today, but I can't walk around forever with isolation and fear and rage in my heart. Because even people who vote for things I abhor deserve the things we're fighting for - affordable housing, equal opportunities, good health care, paid leave, all of it. Because everyone deserves those things regardless of who they are or the choices they've made. And that has to come from love. Hatred and fear will serve no one, but will only rip us apart from the inside out.
The very first text I received this morning was from my brother. He said, “now is a good time to tell you I love you.” And that will be my response to everyone’s questions.
Love and appreciate you, Thu!
I love this so much. Thank you for sharing this.
ironically, my baby Bro; who despises me for fearing the Fuhrer/Drumpf; has not even texted me to gloat. He is in the Drumpf - cult
My 5 siblings are in the same cult. Once my 88 year old Mom dies and there is no one to shame them into talking to me (at Christmas), I will have no family and be all alone in this world. I can't tell if it's a blessing or a curse.....
I'm so sorry for your family estrangement, especially as I've gotten to know you in this comment section as such an amazing connector with other human beings.
it may be both. sucks AND is healthy and good. love to you!!!!!!!!!!!!
well put
Sorry, be strong and have good health
I'm so sorry for the current status of your relationship with your brother!
I'm not there yet because I've been loving the hell out of neighbors for years now only to see them vote on straight party lines, to re-elect a congressman who doesn't show up to vote in the House because he's on their team, to vote for grifters and white supremacists up and down the ballot because they have an R next to their name, to re-elect state Supreme Court justices who aren't even qualified according to the law society but were appointed by the little governor in white boots, to hand over their critical thinking abilities to particular leaders because of their innate fear of the other. Garrett, I wish I were as evolved as you are. I've baked cookies for these people, offered them the ability to charge phones after a hurricane knocked out power, told them the Waffle House was open. I can't.....anymore. They've told me who they are and it breaks my heart.
Martina, I'm so sorry, and just want to affirm that you're allowed to feel every ounce of hurt and betrayal right now. I can only imagine how much it hurts to care so much for your neighbors and to have it feel like they don't care a lick about you or so many of us. I know that myself and most of the people reading this aren't your physical neighbors right now, but is there any way we can show up for you as a neighbor in this time?
Hi, thanks for your message. If you read me, you may have figured out that I'm pretty resilient and I'll get on with life. This isn't going to send me to my fainting couch. You and so many others in my Substack neighborhood are already showing up in a wonderful way. Keep doing your work and I'll do mine and together we'll avoid succumbing to darker instincts.
Well we all deserve to know that others give a crap about us, even the resilient and non-fainting among us :)
One thing I'd like to add to this -- an update of sorts that's relevant to your overall work. I golf with two Black women who are older than me. One is in her late 60s and the other in her 70s. All three of us drank the hopium Kool-Aid when Biden stepped aside and it looked for a moment like the momentum had shifted in the Democrat's favor. The other day when we met and I shared my feelings they looked at me with pity. It was as if they were saying, "Poor little white girl, get used to it.. We live in the South and we understand who surrounds us. As long as as they keep their pitch forks in the garage, we're good."
I feel for you Martina, and, you have a "fainting couch?" They still make those? They were all the rage 100 years ago!
Martina. I’m so sorry and I have had these experiences too. Even with some of my own family members. It is a betrayal, you’re right. It feels that way because it is.
I’m still in touch with them but we are not as close, because we can’t be. Put your love and energy into people who see your humanity. You deserve it ❤️ Your people are all around, including right here. They will hold you up.
Thanks, Garrett. I needed to read this now.
My daughter came out of her room this morning in tears and said, “what are we gonna do, dad?”
I hugged her and said “we’re going to put one foot in front of the other and love one another.”
Sending love to you and your big hearted daughter.
They go low, we go high,they keep capturing the flag. Gutted is the word, alright. Love you, Garrett. Can't stop crying.
Love you too Anna
Thanks for this, Garrett. One of the things I’m grateful for right now is knowing people like you and being “in community.” Thanks for being here and continuing to be here. ❤️
“I hate what you’re likely feeling right now, but I’m also grateful for it. At the core of our shared sadness and rage is a longing for a better world for all of us. We’re scared for each other. We’re angry on each other’s behalf. We’re heartbroken, not just individually but collectively. Those are devastating emotions, but they’re also beautiful ones.”
Appreciate you so much, Lane, and feel lucky to get the gift of being in community and getting to read your writing.
I went through and unsubscribed to every remotely political Substack and podcast (not this one, I love the discussions here). But my goal right now is to stick my head in the sand and tell everyone I know that I don't want to know what's going on in the world. I'm in my 50s and I'm too tired to care anymore. Grateful I live on an island (literally) in a blue state.
A very reasonable reaction, Sue, and also a good reminder that even in our heads in the sand moments we all need some form of a community (and it's such an honor to have this community be one of yours).
I actually thought earlier today that I've spent my whole adult life - since I was 25 - working to make the world better on a number of ways from reproductive choice to AIDS prevention and awareness to solutions for the unhoused and victims of human trafficking to helping women entrepreneurs find community - and so much more. And that now, I am both tired and feel as though the country has moved an on arc, not towards justice, but towards hate. And perhaps I should just shut down all of my social media and find a job in the "non-creating-change" world. But I don't even know how to do that - and when you're 50 years old, and your entire resume points towards creating change, I don't know how one would even go about find that job... at a minimum, thank you for sharing your feelings here, so I know I am not alone in mine.
I bet a lot of folks are struggling with similar feelings! I love this being a space where folks can share them out loud.
Well I'm here for it. You made me melt into tears. We feel lonely in this world of self righteousness. I'm here for you. I couldn't read everything you wrote because I cannot see through my tears. I've worked for the Democratic party, I've worked for the Greens, I've worked for the Socialists. I did all of the things I was supposed to do and it was never enough. I'm not popular and neither are my views. I believe in nature striving and people doing better. I strive to make myself the best I can be to help my family and those in need because I know I too am nature. I've spent almost 45 years giving to those in need. Now, I hid in hopes of not getting hurt by anyone anymore. I believe in the teachings of Octavia Butler. Her words are in my thoughts. For seven years, I've written and funded a prisoner's life and helped his family be reunited with him as he serves 30 years for murdering a gang member when he was 21. I say all of this to be seen as a person who cares and wants more from this world. I care and I love deeply.
I love every ounce of your care and love and tenacity and willingness to keep the work going when it feels like you're alone and, as somebody who often feels quite alone in my dreams of a better world, I want to assure you that not only are you not alone but damn do I appreciate you.
Thank you, Garrett. I feel so useless anymore. I signed up for your classes but my despair is freezing me.
You're not alone in that feeling.
Thank you, friend. So grateful for you and this community you have created, especially today. I’m struggling to imagine what words I could share with the community I lead and this helps. It’s always back to love even when loving feels impossibly hard. ❤️
Also just want to share that the silver lining of today is the fierce love of my 17 yo son. Lately he’s been a bit of an entitled ass, but this morning, I found him in front of his computer with his head in his hands after reading the news. After school he hugged me for a long time and has been so gentle with me as I’ve grieved. What a gift to see that noble, kind-hearted kid is still in there.
Now THIS feels like a message worth sending, about these little miracles of better connected humans in times of stress, about how many of us, much of the time, can act like 17 year old entitled asses to at least somebody in our lives, but when something large and traumatic reconnects us with our sadness and vulnerability, our loving tender hearts come out.
Garrett, just wanted to use this as another opportunity to thank you for all that you do. My one bit of happiness last night was that Alexandria voted in a full slate of pro-housing council members. It's because of Barnraisers that I got involved in the housing movement here in my predominately white, predominately well-meaning liberal community who also have a strong NIMBY streak. Not only have we been able to make positive changes and are starting to see a narrative shift but I've also found it really fun and I love the increased sense of connection and caring I have for our city and those in it.
Stephanie I'm so happy for you and your community! This is why I love Barnraisers, because I get to be connected to the best, most big hearted folks around and, thanks to that connection, I'm now invested in places and fights that I otherwise would know little about
Also, I spent yesterday working as an election officer which was an extremely long day (we were there 4:45am-9:30pm) but also a fantastic distraction. By the time I got home I was too exhausted to jump onto the roller coaster of election returns so I went to bed.
Truly did my heart good working with 15 other strangers with the shared goal of putting on a free and fair election. So many new voters, so much diversity. And we worked hard to resolve the multitude of issues that could stand in the way of someone being able to vote. So grateful that Virginia recently passed same day registration (especially when our governor was doing registration purges that got upheld at the Supreme Court!)
Thank you so much for that work!
Lost count how many times I've already shared this. Thank you for your wisdom, Garrett.
I'm thinking about the HL Menken quote "A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.” We need to be clear-eyed about the challenges and damn well better be hurt and angry, *and* may we also be a people who look for beauty, not death and despair.
You can't manufacture hope, but what a gift that we always have a choice of what direction to focus our energy.
Except I don’t have enough time or energy left. I’ve been hearing similar messages too often. Bless you & all you good ones out there. The rest can go F off.
Thank you for al the work you've done and all the care you've given.
Thank you for this!! Have already shared it with many this morning and it’s the grounding I needed to face my day.
Needed this. Thank you. Sharing widely with those I love.
I thought I was ready for this election outcome, but now that it's happened, I don't think I was. Not that I didn't prepare logistically, but there's a certain grief to it that I didn't anticipate, about what the alternate timeline could have been like.
I've spent these past two years (the first years of my working life) in my dream job, but everything I've accomplished seems like it could become irrelevant if I have to leave the country to maintain my access to healthcare or if I'm forced out of my job, either of which could plausibly happen under a Trump administration due to the specific ways I'm vulnerable. And then what would be the point? Maybe I should have thrown this career away and spent my time doing something more important.
The thing that frustrates me the most is that the things I'm good at doing and the things I'm interested in doing don't seem to be the things that the world needs right now. I don't want to give anything up, but I also don't see how I can play an adequate part in mending our divided world if I don't.
Just appreciate all the layers and vulnerability in this comment. A couple things I'm sitting with in particular:
1. I think the way you talked about your particular form of grief (grieving the alternate timeline that didn't happen) REALLY resonates with me but I hadn't put those words on it previously. Thank you.
2. Re: your great gift for the world and what we need right now, I think it is an immense gift to KNOW what gives you energy/you do uniquely well and it's also a great gift to be willing to keep eyes open and see how the parameters of what we need for the mending keep on evolving and revealing themselves. My sense is that we're gonna need the best of everybody, even if that's not yet clear.
This is really very helpful. Because I walked around today feeling like my world got flipped upside down (again...fool me once, etc.). Like, who ARE all these people who are so unbothered by cruelty to others that they can not only overlook it but vote for it? For the highest office in the land? But that is the reality. And the reality is that it is a decent portion of the people i encountered today- my neighbors and
people at the doctors office and who served me coffee at the drive through and waited for our kids to finish dance class.
And I can be sad, devastated, today, but I can't walk around forever with isolation and fear and rage in my heart. Because even people who vote for things I abhor deserve the things we're fighting for - affordable housing, equal opportunities, good health care, paid leave, all of it. Because everyone deserves those things regardless of who they are or the choices they've made. And that has to come from love. Hatred and fear will serve no one, but will only rip us apart from the inside out.
There is a time and a season for everything-- for building better, yes, but also for taking long sad angry walks where we say "what the hell!"
Thank you so much for this today. Still just in shock and processing.
How can you not be?