Nominations are now open for the official White Pages "Least Cool CEO" award
It's a crowded field, but whose profound uncoolness will reign supreme?
Hey pals,
As you likely saw, I spent some quality time with Mark Zuckerberg this week. As you also likely noticed, my guy Zuck would very much like you to think that he is, objectively, the raddest human being on the planet. For your consideration: he has more hair now, and also some flashy new accessories. He’s even got a Joe Rogan-approved neck1! This summer he recorded an ironic novelty cover of “Get Low” with T-Pain2 (no link! you’re welcome!). Right on, cool normal guy Mark Zuckerberg. You clearly have nothing to prove to yourself or the world.
Do you remember a few years ago when Mark Zuckerberg thought he might run for President and so he invited himself to dinner at various Real American households and was like “so, um, how is the Heartland going for you all?”
Look at that woman next to Zuck. I know that move. It’s the classic Midwestern “a pall has fallen over this table and until the bad energy is exorcised I will stare directly at my plate, praying that I might disappear into it and live an uncomplicated life amongst the casseroles” pose. We’ve all been there.
You all, at the risk of saying something deeply brave and controversial: I don’t think that Mark Zuckerberg is a very cool CEO. But is the the least cool CEO? Well that’s why we’re gathered here today.
For background, a couple years ago we held a vote to crown The Official White Pages Most Annoying Corporation. In spite of a spirited campaign on behalf of the Jayden Zinc Company (the tiny outfit that somehow has successfully forced the U.S. government to keep pennies in circulation), the two finalists will not surprise you.
Most Annoying Corporation is one thing. “Least Cool CEO” is a whole different matter. To be an uncool CEO, you need not only to have a corrosive impact on our collective lives (congratulations on virtually every CEO for hitting that bar), but also bring a little something extra to the table. You know, a certain “je ne sai recording a novelty cover of ‘Get Low’ with T-Pain,” if you will. You must do something in the public sphere above and beyond the typical “maximize profits at all costs” corporate song and dance. Do you have to be internationally famous to be a “least cool CEO?” Not at all! One of the glories of modern life is that each of our communities are home to our own distinct regional brahmins. It’s what makes us unique from one another— like how we all have craft breweries with Edison bulbs hanging from the ceiling but they have, like, different names. I’m excited for this contest to include old faces and new upstarts alike.
Here’s how this is going to work:
Today, I’m going to make five initial nominations for “least cool CEO.”
Then, in the comments, you can chime in with further nominations for deeply uncool CEOs. Or, if you can’t think of anybody new, feel free to share some thoughts as to what makes a previously-named CEO particularly uncool (our collective fervency will help me with seeding for the eventual tournament).
Once nominations are in, I will make a simple bracket where, over the course of the next few weeks, the CEOs will face off and we’ll vote for the least cool among them.
Eventually a champion will be crowned.
I have not determined a prize for the winner (perhaps a higher marginal tax rate!) but I am open to suggestions. Maybe I’ll make this picture into a certificate.
Sound all right? Great. Here’s five to kick things off.
Nominee one: Mark Elliott Zuckerberg
Name of company: Meta
Does company pay its fair share of taxes?: No
Has company been responsible for at least one documented incident of ethnic cleansing?: Yes (I know I keep bringing this up, but I live in the U.S. city with the highest percentage of Rohingya refugees in the country and it’s a fact that is worth not forgetting, you know?).
Name of his mega-yacht: Launchpad.
Does company and/or yacht have a dumb name?: Perhaps the dumbest! I’m talking about Meta, of course, but while we’re at it, that is, in fact a terrible name for a lumbering, sea-based vehicle. Launchpad! That sounds like an app that teaches toddlers phonics using the blockchain.
Very cool and normal thing they once did: (a). Commissioned a high end clothing designer to make him a t-shirt that says “All Zuck or Nothing” in Latin. (b). Subsequently wore that shirt. IN PUBLIC!
Nominee two: Vivek Ganapathy Ramaswamy
Name he called himself during his college-era stint as a libertarian rapper: Da Vek. I’m not making a joke there. That’s just an earnest statement of fact.
Name of company (former): Roivant Sciences
Does company pay its fair share of taxes?: Who needs taxes when you’ve got the Department of Governmental Efficiency doing a control F on any part of the budget that isn’t a literal bomb.
Name of his books about how wokeness is bad and America is a nation of victims: “Woke, Inc.” and “Nation of Victims.”
Name of his mega-yacht: I don’t think he has one, but when I searched “Vivek Ramaswamy yacht” I got a video of some Youtube influencer teaching Vivek how to “surf in a suit.” Pretty alpha stuff if you ask me. You know who doesn’t surf in a suit? Victims, esp. woke ones. Want to see the image that came up when I googled “two healthy self-assured guys who surely aren’t engaged in a parody stunt to make up for the lack of meaningful relationships rooted in reciprocal love and care in their lives?”