Thank you, as always, for your words this morning.
This article brought to mind a common refrain from my conservative parents - "we would die for you or your siblings." It took a long time for me to understand why I so disliked that phrase, but it comes down to the fact that "dying" for someone is easy. It means a one-time sacrifice, and as these two men showed us so soon into this new year, it is also "showy."
Contrast that with "living" for someone. That means showing up and doing the work day in and day out. I find it a much more fulfilling version of love and it is what I try to demonstrate for my son.
Very well put. In addition to all the other problems with it, the paradigm of "man as protector" is a really easy way to get out of so much work-- there's only so much active protecting one has to do on a daily basis, whereas the work of care is never-ending (particularly when not shared).
Relevant example from my prior comment: we were maybe a day out of the hospital with our newborn when my parents came to visit and see him. We were exhausted and asked if they could help clean up in our kitchen - the response was "we came here to visit you, not help with things." Sigh...
I really appreciate your words, as someone who is a fellow Quaker, but not a pacifist-- as a birthright (ew) Friend, the meeting I was born into sent me a letter when I was 18 asking if I still wanted to be a member, and the Peace testimony was the reason I left.
When I started attending again as an adult, I told this to an older Friend, and she told me about a Friend a generation older than her, who was a committed Quaker but never a pacifist, having survived the Holocaust and being unable to square the Peace testimony with her own belief that sometimes there is a place for violent resistance.
I don't think I could belong to a religion that was any more dogmatic than Quakerism (which is to say, like, at all), and I really appreciate it as a constant moral compass in my life and a much-needed counterbalance to the rest of the world, and I will always be grateful that there is enough space in there for me and anyone else who can't help questioning and differing and generally being contrary.
It made me so happy that, when you lived in Milwaukee this summer, that our Meeting was one that felt welcoming and open enough to keep coming back to. Yeah, I'm a pacifist Quaker, I wouldn't have much energy to keep committing to the place if we cared more about dogma than each other.
Thank you for this piece! I've been tracking many, many strands of gender discussions, & gender roles in hetero-normative relationships (thank you Lyz Lenz!), and this is the first time I've really grocked the 'solo hero' element at play. Really nicely articulated, and it outlines a connecting piece between what's playing out in homes and what's playing out in the landscape at large. And I just keep thinking, 'whoa....this is SO TRUE'.
To your New Year wishes, I add curiosity to those of connection and care. Surprisingly, in these first 7 days of 2025, I've encountered a delightful number of meaningful, deep connections & lots of curiosity. And it buoys my optimism, a counter argument of sorts to the New Year's day spectacle & violence producers.
Thank you for adding depth to thoughts I was already having about a holiday gift I received: a go-bag, complete with tourniquet, no less than 4 survival multitools, and a velcro black and white flag to adorn the case. My sister-in-law bought it for me, as we hike and camp a lot and I've been rebuilding a vintage camper. Later at home, I spread its contents on our kitchen table, and my partner came in the room and found me staring at it. "This is a bootstrap kit, for people who think they don't need anyone else, and I'm horrified that your sister gave money on my behalf to whoever sold this."
While I am grateful for its usefulness (I did in fact need both a tool kit and a first aid kit for the camper and this does fit the bill), I felt pretty icky about it. All I could think to do was take out my markers and color in the bars of the flag with a rainbow, and then put it on upside down. Maybe not much, but it made me feel better to re-adorn it slightly in love and resistance. If only I could do that to all the go-bags.
“Like any other drug, schadenfreude loses its potency after too many doses.” Yes, agreed, it briefly helped but ultimately I felt worse for reading all these sad stories of broken people. I suspect you’ve already read Lost Connections by Johann Hari. I’m reading it now and see so many similarities with what you’ve written here, which I love BTW.
I too have spent much time thinking about how masculinity is being construed. There does seem to be an influencer-led movement to be a "real man" kind of masculinity which is hyper concerned with individual achievement and personal happiness. What we are seeing is how profoundly unfulfulling that definition of masculinity is. If we could convince men to pursue being a "good man" instead, it might cure so many ills. The difference is, being the kind of person whose heroism is expressed by small acts of self-sacrifice or giving of your own resources to real life people around you. I returned to community theatre last year and was amazed to realize, all I have to do is show up for my fellow cast and crew a few hours every week and in turn 25 people are showing up for me. Just think of that return on investment! It doesn't have to be theatre, there are so many small areas where our lives intersect with others that will illicit the same fulfilling experience.
This is such a lovely point re: theatre, and also got me thinking. My own hs theatre experience is where I was taught to show up for others and to be in community. It didn’t mean we all liked each other, and it didn’t mean I never felt alone. But I did know I could contribute, that my contributions were valued, and most importantly that it felt good to make them. Even the “good men” in my life expect praise and attention for contributions that routinely get me no attention at all. Not a new observation, I know! my point is, though, how can we show men it feels good to be decentered and depressurized sometimes? How do we offer quiet reciprocity as a solace? This feels like something my that describes some of my male relatives, yet they were/are simultaneously appreciated and mocked as henpecked within my family. I have zero idea how to escape that dynamic on a larger scale.
This doesn't answer your question, but I think it's a really insightful one and it's been rattling around for me as well lately too. One of the projects I have a lot of energy for right now is trying to really understand 'what' young men in particular are getting from some of the major manosphere zeitgeisty experiences (sports gambling, Joe Rogan, etc.) to imagine alternative ways of offering communities that scratch similar itches.
Love this one, thanks Bucks. The heroism is deep on the masculine left in my experience, too. It has been deep within me at different moments, so I have empathy for it, but lordy can it be destructive.
Where are the women and children in these scenarios? What are they feeling as their men blow themselves up?
Would Angel From Montgomery be appropriate for your playlist? I don't know what the aim of your list will be, but this is a hard times song that I like when performed by John Prine.
Thank you, as always, for your words this morning.
This article brought to mind a common refrain from my conservative parents - "we would die for you or your siblings." It took a long time for me to understand why I so disliked that phrase, but it comes down to the fact that "dying" for someone is easy. It means a one-time sacrifice, and as these two men showed us so soon into this new year, it is also "showy."
Contrast that with "living" for someone. That means showing up and doing the work day in and day out. I find it a much more fulfilling version of love and it is what I try to demonstrate for my son.
This is gorgeous <3.
That's so beautifully put, Kevin.
"I would die for my family."
Yeah, but would you ... do the dishes, fold the laundry, change the diapers, make the beds ... and VOTE in their best interests?
Very well put. In addition to all the other problems with it, the paradigm of "man as protector" is a really easy way to get out of so much work-- there's only so much active protecting one has to do on a daily basis, whereas the work of care is never-ending (particularly when not shared).
Relevant example from my prior comment: we were maybe a day out of the hospital with our newborn when my parents came to visit and see him. We were exhausted and asked if they could help clean up in our kitchen - the response was "we came here to visit you, not help with things." Sigh...
Heartbreaking
I really appreciate your words, as someone who is a fellow Quaker, but not a pacifist-- as a birthright (ew) Friend, the meeting I was born into sent me a letter when I was 18 asking if I still wanted to be a member, and the Peace testimony was the reason I left.
When I started attending again as an adult, I told this to an older Friend, and she told me about a Friend a generation older than her, who was a committed Quaker but never a pacifist, having survived the Holocaust and being unable to square the Peace testimony with her own belief that sometimes there is a place for violent resistance.
I don't think I could belong to a religion that was any more dogmatic than Quakerism (which is to say, like, at all), and I really appreciate it as a constant moral compass in my life and a much-needed counterbalance to the rest of the world, and I will always be grateful that there is enough space in there for me and anyone else who can't help questioning and differing and generally being contrary.
It made me so happy that, when you lived in Milwaukee this summer, that our Meeting was one that felt welcoming and open enough to keep coming back to. Yeah, I'm a pacifist Quaker, I wouldn't have much energy to keep committing to the place if we cared more about dogma than each other.
Thank you for this piece! I've been tracking many, many strands of gender discussions, & gender roles in hetero-normative relationships (thank you Lyz Lenz!), and this is the first time I've really grocked the 'solo hero' element at play. Really nicely articulated, and it outlines a connecting piece between what's playing out in homes and what's playing out in the landscape at large. And I just keep thinking, 'whoa....this is SO TRUE'.
To your New Year wishes, I add curiosity to those of connection and care. Surprisingly, in these first 7 days of 2025, I've encountered a delightful number of meaningful, deep connections & lots of curiosity. And it buoys my optimism, a counter argument of sorts to the New Year's day spectacle & violence producers.
Thank you for adding depth to thoughts I was already having about a holiday gift I received: a go-bag, complete with tourniquet, no less than 4 survival multitools, and a velcro black and white flag to adorn the case. My sister-in-law bought it for me, as we hike and camp a lot and I've been rebuilding a vintage camper. Later at home, I spread its contents on our kitchen table, and my partner came in the room and found me staring at it. "This is a bootstrap kit, for people who think they don't need anyone else, and I'm horrified that your sister gave money on my behalf to whoever sold this."
While I am grateful for its usefulness (I did in fact need both a tool kit and a first aid kit for the camper and this does fit the bill), I felt pretty icky about it. All I could think to do was take out my markers and color in the bars of the flag with a rainbow, and then put it on upside down. Maybe not much, but it made me feel better to re-adorn it slightly in love and resistance. If only I could do that to all the go-bags.
“Like any other drug, schadenfreude loses its potency after too many doses.” Yes, agreed, it briefly helped but ultimately I felt worse for reading all these sad stories of broken people. I suspect you’ve already read Lost Connections by Johann Hari. I’m reading it now and see so many similarities with what you’ve written here, which I love BTW.
I haven't read it, actually, but will check it out now. Thanks Marti!
Garrett this is an exceptional essay, thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Thanks Amy!
I too have spent much time thinking about how masculinity is being construed. There does seem to be an influencer-led movement to be a "real man" kind of masculinity which is hyper concerned with individual achievement and personal happiness. What we are seeing is how profoundly unfulfulling that definition of masculinity is. If we could convince men to pursue being a "good man" instead, it might cure so many ills. The difference is, being the kind of person whose heroism is expressed by small acts of self-sacrifice or giving of your own resources to real life people around you. I returned to community theatre last year and was amazed to realize, all I have to do is show up for my fellow cast and crew a few hours every week and in turn 25 people are showing up for me. Just think of that return on investment! It doesn't have to be theatre, there are so many small areas where our lives intersect with others that will illicit the same fulfilling experience.
This is such a lovely point re: theatre, and also got me thinking. My own hs theatre experience is where I was taught to show up for others and to be in community. It didn’t mean we all liked each other, and it didn’t mean I never felt alone. But I did know I could contribute, that my contributions were valued, and most importantly that it felt good to make them. Even the “good men” in my life expect praise and attention for contributions that routinely get me no attention at all. Not a new observation, I know! my point is, though, how can we show men it feels good to be decentered and depressurized sometimes? How do we offer quiet reciprocity as a solace? This feels like something my that describes some of my male relatives, yet they were/are simultaneously appreciated and mocked as henpecked within my family. I have zero idea how to escape that dynamic on a larger scale.
This doesn't answer your question, but I think it's a really insightful one and it's been rattling around for me as well lately too. One of the projects I have a lot of energy for right now is trying to really understand 'what' young men in particular are getting from some of the major manosphere zeitgeisty experiences (sports gambling, Joe Rogan, etc.) to imagine alternative ways of offering communities that scratch similar itches.
Love that you have that living example of an actual community, Emily. I think all these points are spot on.
Love this one, thanks Bucks. The heroism is deep on the masculine left in my experience, too. It has been deep within me at different moments, so I have empathy for it, but lordy can it be destructive.
As a resident of the masculine left, oh buddy... DEEP within me, in ways I keep discovering.
A moving commentary. Thank you.
Where are the women and children in these scenarios? What are they feeling as their men blow themselves up?
Would Angel From Montgomery be appropriate for your playlist? I don't know what the aim of your list will be, but this is a hard times song that I like when performed by John Prine.
In response to your first question: voiceless, out of frame, supposedly in need of protection, doing the work not being done by the protectors.
Lovely playlist suggestion. I love that song.
Amen.
❤️❤️❤️