What's this? Kamala Harris has to pick a Midwestern White guy as her Vice President? Have I got a list for her!

America's foremost Midwestern White Guy News Source, reporting for duty

Have you heard the news? It sounds like Kamala Harris is going to be the Democratic nominee for President, on account of Joe Biden proving that debates still matter, but only if you are apocalyptically bad at them. You have also heard that Kamala Harris is both Black and Indian and a woman. As a result, smart politics knowers have already collectively opined that, for the sake of “ticket balancing” and “electability,” that she needs to pick, as her Vice Presidential nominee, a White man with Heartland Appeal.

Now, let’s set aside whether Vice Presidential picks matter at all (thoughts and prayers for all those recovering from the wicked case of Tim Kaine fever they contracted in 2016). Let’s even set aside all the ways that this whole discussion is just weird as hell. I mean, jeez. We’re euphemistically skirting around the edges of the conversation at hand, the one about how racism and misogyny are still potent forces in American life, about how, while few admit their personal biases out loud, we are still a nation with a deep-seated enmity to Black women, especially Black women in positions of power.

But what can we do? The decreers have already decreed! Kamala needs a White man from the Midwest! Stat! And since I am America’s foremost expert on White men from the Midwest (My qualifications: Whiteness, maleness, a strong track record of never taking the last bar from a church potluck dessert tray, and the fact that my children unironically call drinking fountains “bubblers” and cheer when I turn into a Kwik Trip), I am not here to quibble, but to be of humble service.

Who should be Kamala Harris’ White Man Sidekick? Some milquetoast centrist Governor? Our nation’s most unnervingly ambitious Transportation Secretary? A Senator who may very well be an actual astronaut but is from Arizona, a state that, all its Culvers and Portillo’s franchises notwithstanding, is not in the Midwest? We can do better!

Here’s one perfect choice from each Midwestern state. I did not include Pennsylvania so as to avoid a million comments about how “Pennsylvania is not in the Midwest!” Save those for all the articles promoting Josh Shapiro! Pennsylvania, I know that you are a rich land of many cultures and geographies, but you are also on the Acela corridor, so you didn’t make my list.

Do you disagree with these choices? I’m not surprised!

Illinois

What an embarrassment of riches! I originally thought of going with Kenneth Allen, also known as “the lawyer from all those Chicagoland-area billboards who wears a funny hat.”

Why is he qualified to be Vice President? I’m sorry, did you see his hat?

Unfortunately, I learned that Mr. Hat, Esquire technically lives in Indiana, so he’s out. I then considered Carmen Berzatto, who has an incredible backstory. A local boy becomes a Michelin Star chef and then returns home to run his family’s Italian beef shop? And he’s hot? And, by all accounts, is not afflicted by generational trauma rendering him incapable of maintaining meaningful personal relationships? Corner! Hands, I want to see hands! YES, CHEF!

But then I remembered Harris’ opponent, Donald Trump, who is a felon. Apparently there is a subset of the American public that is more excited to vote for Trump because he’s a felon. That’s a shame, not because I don’t believe that felons deserve second chances, but because Trump’s such a fake, new money, Johnny Come Lately felon. Back in my day, political felons were real salt of the Earth guys. They had style. They had panache. They looked like they came out of the womb doing white collar crimes. When they had the opportunity to appoint somebody to Barack Obama’s Senate seat, they said cool things like “I’ve got this thing, and it’s f***** golden.” You know who i’m talking about. My fellow Americans, your next Vice President, HONEST ROD BLAGOJEVICH!

Wait, what’s that? My guy Rod is now a Trump supporters? Shoot. Back to the billboards. As any Illinois resident can tell you, the one true choice was right there in front of us the whole time. Former Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher… but with hair now.

Indiana

Sorry Hoosier state. As is always the case for the crossroads of America, too much traffic around Chicago has left me without as much time or space for you all. That’s no disrespect to your state’s great legacy of White men: Larry Bird! Robbie Avila, the new guy from Indiana State who looks awesome and who people call Cream Abdul Jabbar! And um, all your other White guys who don’t play basketball for Indiana State! I’m sure they’re out there!

I’m going with John Mellencamp, though. He checks all the boxes.

Born in a small town? CHECK

Lives in a small town? CHECK

Had himself a ball in a small town? CHECK

Married an L.A. doll and brought her to that small town? CHECK

Was divorced by the aforementioned L.A. doll, which may raise questions about the universal appeal of small towns, but that part isn’t in the song, damnit? UM, CHECK

Sometimes calls himself The Cougar? CHECK CHECK CHECK

I mean, case closed. And should Harris need somebody who can suck down chili dogs outside the Tastee Freeze while bemoaning that life after high school is just a depressing march to death and there will be no love like your first love, there’s no other choice.

Kansas

Stick with me here. In downtown Wichita, at the confluence of the Arkansas and Little Arkansas River, there’s this incredible sculpture installation. It’s called the Keeper of the Plains and it’s a tribute to the multiple Indigenous nations who’ve long lived in what is now Kansas. Pretty cool!

Hang around long enough, though, specifically under the drainage gate on the East side of the Keeper, and you’ll stumble on a statue of a troll in a cage… which is, um, a tribute to the rad idea of making a sculpture of a troll and putting it in a cage. Now, cynical D.C. insiders may be like “Garrett, is the Wichita troll canonically a White guy?” which is a ridiculous question. My friends, it’s a literal troll hanging out on native land. I’m shocked that he hasn’t already been Vice President. What was Bob Dole doing not picking this guy when he had the chance?

Say it with me, convention delegates!

WICHITA TROLL! WICHITA TROLL! WICHITA TROLL!

Iowa

I mean, if I’m holding myself to a White man, I should probably pick the greatest Iowan in history, namely that one baseball playing ghost who stepped over the imaginary ghost line in Field of Dreams and turned into an old timey doctor, thus enabling him to stop Gaby Hoffmann from choking on a hot dog.

BUT, I am going to break my own rule, and with good reason. You see, Kamala Harris’ rise back to the center of American political discourse has me remembering the not at all cursed 2020 Democratic primary and how there was only person who came off well during that whole charade. I am talking of course, about the young woman at the Airliner Bar in Iowa City who interrupted a Kirsten Gillibrand interview because she wanted more ranch.

Simpler times, as it turns out! Simpler times!

Michigan

Oh, so Kid Rock performed at the Republican National Convention? That’s the best you can do, Grand Old Party? A rap rock grifter who is notably (1). just one guy, (2). not insane and (3). not a clown?

DEMOCRATS, PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THE TICKET THAT’S GOING TO WIN IN NOVEMBER, KAMALA HARRIS AND HER TWO VICE PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEES, VIOLENT J AND SHAGGY 2 DOPE!

Unironically, I would buy a million Harris/J/2 Dope yard signs, especially if the Insane Clown Posse hatchet man was on them.

Minnesota

I’m going to switch it up for my friends from the Land of 10,000 Lakes. Rather than pick a single candidate, I’m going to offer a potential selection process. Every year, President Harris will attend the Minnesota State High School Hockey Tournament, carefully and painstakingly evaluate each potential applicant’s incredible mullets, and then choose the holder of the most luxurious locks as her Vice President.

Already I can hear the Minnesotans yelling at me! “We’re such a great state,” they’ll proclaim, “surely we can do better than some rich boy from Edina who happened to get an ironic haircut right before the state tourney began?”

I hear you. If “whatever kid has the best hockey hair” isn’t an acceptable choice, how about “the guy who, whenever the Minnesota State Fair comes around, rolls his eyes and is like ‘Sweet Martha’s cookies aren’t even that good, they’re just a vehicle for milk?” Yeah, how about that guy? Are you happy now, Minnesota?

Missouri

This one should be a slam dunk. You know how America loves true crime? I mean, we all saw the documentary, right? About the dashing bar owner who everybody thought killed his wife but then [spoiler, spoiler, spoiler, spoiler]? Nick Dunne, everybody! The most quintessentially Missouri man who ever lived: Handsome but also sad; not technically guilty but come on, probably guilty right?; Likely has some really retrograde political opinions but can crack open a Busch Light like nobody’s business. He’ll bring America together just like that other great, very real Missourian (the kid who got all his friends to paint a fence for him).

Nebraska

What does America really want in a Vice President? Somebody strong and authoritative, I assume, but also genial. Somebody with a big dumb politician grin and an incredible head of hair (yes, we’re talking hair again!). Somebody who cares so much about his hair, in fact, that he experimented with being a brunette before reverting to his natural blond locks. Somebody who needs to put the first letter of the state where he lives on his overalls so he never forgets where he comes from. No brain, all vibes is what I’m saying. We want to objectify the hell out of our hunky Vice President, and have him just keep on smiling and, uh, husking.

My friends, I give you Herbie Husker. You’re welcome.

North Dakota

My roots are in South Dakota and Montana, the only states in the nation with defined opinions about North Dakota (that opinion, for the record: our states are better than North Dakota). As a result, I have gone through most of my life learning as little about the Peace Garden state as possible. Unfortunately, do you know who has worked very hard to pierce that bubble of ignorance? The North Dakota Tourism Bureau, which in the past few years has launched a VERY AGGRESSIVE marketing campaign touting (a). that actor Josh Duhamel is from North Dakota and that (b). he would like me to visit his home state.

So sure, whatever. Here’s an extremely crotch-forward picture of Josh Duhamel enjoying the Badlands. if he wants it this badly, he can have it. Josh Duhamel for Veep. Just take Doug Burgum back.

Ohio

*Record scratch*

Oh jeez, how did I get here? I’m an employee at a liberal nonprofit in 2016. I must have fallen into a coma in December, immediately after participating in a work-mandated book club. What’’s that you say? You’re trying to pick an ideal Democratic Vice Presidential candidate? I know just the guy. I just read all about his life. Inspiring story. Real bootstraps stuff. And he’s so authentic. Do you know what he calls his Grandma? Mee maw! Adorable, right? I didn’t really understand the second half of the book, where he blames poor people for all their problems, but you know, I still think he’s got an important message. After all, Democrats have to do a better job of appealing to, you know, those people. What was his name again? J.D. Elegy?

South Dakota

You know who never killed a puppy in cold blood and then wrote about it? I’ll give you a hint, he’s beloved by all Americans, is passionate about spaying and neutering cats, literally gave out money for decades and most importantly… is made of corn.

Bob Barker may be dead, but Corn Palace Bob Barker will live forever.

Oh my God it’s perfect. I love the corn palace. I love the whole town of Mitchell, South Dakota. It’s also home to the George McGovern Museum, if you’re ever in the area. It’s well worth a visit.

Take that Josh Duhamel. You know in your heart there’s only one true Dakota.

Wisconsin

Hey! This is the state where I currently live! Am I an option? I mean, just like J.D. Vance, I’ve got a book to promote (please buy it, by the way, it is much better than his).

But no, I, like Joe Biden, am taking myself out of the race for the sake of National Unity.

Plus, there are so many other great candidates from Wisconsin. There’s the Milverine, for one, the construction worker who is regionally famous because he walks around with a shirt off and, well, really does look like Wolverine.

I speak for all Wisconsinites, though, when I say that I need Milverine to stay right where he is, holding our city together. He’s a load bearing icon, you see.

Instead, I’m going to break my rule of not promoting any politicians and offer Wisconsin Governor Tony Evers. Why? Because nobody else is! Everybody’s naming all these ambitious Governors with charisma, your Whitmers and Beshears and whatnot. Nobody’s talking about Tony! Just because he’s an understated wisp of a man whose idea of excitement is saying “golly!” in a slightly louder voice then normal.

I know what you’re saying. “Tony who?” “Wisconsin has a Governor? Like a human governor and not just an anthropomorphic cheese curd?” and “wait, isn’t Tony Evers an old White guy, not unlike Joe Biden?”

Yes, fair criticisms all. But to respond to the last one, Tony Evers is nothing like Joe Biden. Here’s Joe Biden eating ice cream.

Nothing wrong with that. A true passion for the craft there. But have you seen my guy Tony with an ice cream?

Kamala Harris, you know what to do. Pick Tony Evers and together you can deliver America from the nightmare of Trump to the Home Of The Large Cone.

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