The Inaugural "Please Don't Let Any of These People Become President" Merchandise Awards

You all, I can't tell you what researching this piece did to my browsing history

UPDATE (10/3): I did end up writing a second edition. 2 Merch 2 Furious, if you will. Enjoy!

Here’s a brave opinion: I care about who America elects to be its President. Sure, I believe that we should do far more local organizing than national horse-race tracking, but still. I don’t believe that American Presidents have zero impact on our lives. Would I like to live in a world where that office-holder’s identity mattered even more, where it was conceivable that an American President might build a massive social democratic safety net, chisel down the carceral state, and actually stop bombing other countries? Of course! But even when that choice isn’t fully on the table, I care quite a bit. And I bet that you do too.

There is an argument to be made that—because the particular identity of America’s Chief Executive has real implications for people’s well being— we should not discuss matters such as the Republican primary field with anything but the upmost level of troubled, constipated solemnity.

I understand the spirit behind this argument. If you watched the last two Republican debates (which I did! because I make poor choices about where to direct my energy!) you will have noticed (in between the overwhelming Phil Spector-ish Wall of Yelling), the candidates engaging in a campaign of escalating rhetorical cruelty. Pretty scary stuff, and it seems to be getting worse by the week. I am not going to look up Vivek Ramaswamy’s platform, lest my computer be struck with a particularly annoying Ayn Randian virus, but if you were to tell me that he’s proposing a constitutional amendment to make “man” and “cop” the only two legal genders, I would not be surprised.

Here’s the counterpoint, though: When hundreds of millions of dollars and untold amount of collective attentional hours are spent on ridiculous farces, it is important to treat them as such. And a large percentage of American electoral politics is a farce: a personality-driven pyramid scheme designed primarily to keep K Street adjacent Sweetgreens outlets in business.

Of all the ways that American politics is a scam and a farce, none is scammier and more farcical than the current Republican primary campaign. A primary election is supposedly a referendum on the direction of a political party. But the Republican Party has already chosen its direction. Its electorate likes the crime, coup and racism guy, because he is one of the few candidates in years who has made them actually feel something. GOP leadership knows it. The candidates pretending to run against Trump know it as well. And yet they persist: making the rounds of the same Iowa diners, yelling at each other about curtains and China from their silly little debate podiums, generally going through the motions of a doomed “Running For President” fantasy camp.

There is no rational explanation for the whole affair other than as a marketing exercise, a means of keeping America’s most vaingloriously bumptious authoritarians relevant for the CPAC and Laura Ingraham circuit. And that’s why it’s important to evaluate the candidates on the most honest scale possible: Not as “leaders”, not as holders of valid ideologies, but as brands.

It’s time to talk merchandise.

For this exercise, my scientific evaluation process was as follows. One by one, I visited the official online stores of each of the “major” Republican Presidential candidates. I gasped multiple times, took screen shots, and then made up fake awards to give out to everybody except Mike Pence.

And yes, they are (almost) all getting awards. You might say that they are receiving “participation trophies,” which as we know from years of reactionary newspaper columns, will only make them feeble and entitled. This means, in turn, that this whole exercise is not a superficial lark on my part, but a vital public service: I am personally weakening the entire Republican Presidential field! You are likely saying “the word ‘hero’ doesn’t get used enough these days, Garrett, but truly….” and don’t worry, there’s no need to finish that sentence. I get it.

I think that’s everything you need to know. Let’s get to the awards.

The “Most Mike Pence-y” Award

We’re leading off with an upset for the centuries. Surely Mike Pence— a man whose father was a Gideon Bible and whose mother was a room temperature glass of buttermilk— was going to win this award without breaking a sweat. He even pulled out all the stops this year. Have you ever fallen asleep mid-way through reading a baseball hat? Well, you’re in for a treat.

But wait, who is jumping in off the top rope? IS THAT TIM SCOTT? And has he discovered puns?!?

My guy’s not done. Have you ever wondered, “what would be the most Mike Pence merchandise move possible?” Well wonder no more, because surely it would start with the most Pence-ian item of clothing: dress socks. And then, in order to signify a complete abdication of personality and humanity, those socks would be festooned with LITERAL FACELESS IMAGES OF THE CANDIDATE THEY ARE ATTEMPTING TO PROMOTE!

You all.

You gotta hand it to them. Those are, indeed, “Tim Scott Socks.”

The “Proper Calibration of Doug Burgum’s Magnetic Cultural Appeal” Award

As long-time readers of this newsletter are no doubt aware, I have my finger on the pulse of America’s trend-setting Gen Z tastemakers. And you know what that crew can’t stop Tik-Toking about? North Dakota Governor Doug Bergum. They love his current persona, of course, but they’re equally obsessed with his career of zeitgeist-defining, chameleonic transformations. Fortunately Burgum and his team are well aware of his status as America’s “It Doug,” which is the only reasonable explanation as to why they are selling the following Taylor Swift-referencing t-shirt:

Tag yourself! Personally I’m in my “Doug Burgum being attacked by a blinding flash of celestial white light” era.

The “Consistency in Messaging” Award

Oh Vivek Ramaswamy. Thank you for answering America’s unquenchable thirst for a public figure that combines everything we dislike most about Pete Buttigieg with actual fascism. Your brand, of course, is that you’re a (self-proclaimed) generationally brilliant thinker. Your parliamentary dominance makes weak-kneed liberals cower in our safe spaces. Your mind is a steel trap, which is why you offer your supporters the finest in rhetorically consistent, “on message” merchandise.

“Yes, I am a free thinking American, thank you for noticing. That’s why I carry around an official ‘Truth Membership Card’ which contains a laundry list of things I am supposed to believe without question!”

While I’m giving this award to Vivek, it is my pleasure to award second place to a candidate who is known for being very chill about not winning things, one Mr. Donald J. Trump.

“My not guilty mug shot t-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my not guilty mug shot t-shirt,” etc. etc.

The “Somehow Chris Christie Has Chosen To Spare Us From Chris Christie Branded Merchandise” Award

This one goes to… Chris Christie! I’ll be honest, when I went to Christie’s website, I breathed a preemptively weary sigh. If ever there was a phrase with a distinct money laundering aura, it’s “Chris Christie Online Store.”

Already pre-dejected, I attempted to click over to his store and found… nothing! A New Jersey Christmas Miracle! Thank you Chris Christie. For this, you are allowed to pretend that Bruce Springsteen is your best friend for exactly five (5) minutes.

The “Makes A Really Good Argument For Being A Loser” Award

This one goes to Nikki Haley. We’ll get to the shirt that won her this award in a second, but first, here’s a pro tip: If you are somehow feeling starved for a specific version of snappy, Lean In-esque, corp-wave feminism, Haley’s website has you covered.

Heck yeah, Ambassador Haley! Thank you for your “If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman” shirt. That’s such a great reminder for any of us who want something done, specifically if that something involves stripping other women of their basic human rights!

But back to the award in question. Just look at this shirt.

That slogan really makes winners sound like a bunch of suckers! Look at them, out there doing all the things losers don’t want to do. Meanwhile, us losers have more time for our preferred activities, like scrolling merchandise websites for all of the Republican Presidential candidates.

The “Shirt I Can Least Imagine Another Human Being Wearing” Award

Again, poor Mike Pence. He thought he had this award sewn up with this absolute beauty, which accurately depicts our former Vice President as the creepy Grandpa ghost from the Family Circus cartoons.

But no, there could only be one choice here. What do you have for us, America’s Least Likable Man?

WIFE: “Hey honey, it’s our anniversary. Can you wear that shirt that I love?

HUSBAND: ”You mean the one that makes me look particularly sane?”

WIFE: “Of course, silly!”

HUSBAND: ”Just to double check, you mean the shirt that features Ron DeSantis staring dead-eyed into the middle distance in front of a barbed wire fence with the extremely normal quote “Cartels coming through the border wall? They’re going to wind up STONE COLD DEAD!”

WIFE: “Why do you even have to ask?”

HUSBAND: [Quietly changes out of his Doug Burgum Eras shirt]

—END SCENE—-

THAT’S ALL THE AWARDS!

I could go on! And I might still (update: I did!). Would you be surprised, for example, to find out that there are multiple candidates trying to capitalize off of viral reactionary country music hits? Or that everything Vivek Ramaswamy is selling bums me out? Sadly, I am already getting ominous warning messages from Substack that— because this email contains roughly 5000 images and two references to North Dakota Governor Doug Bergum—I’m dangerously close to reaching something called an “email length limit.”

You get the point, though. There are good vibes, and then—a million miles away from the good vibes— there lives whatever cursed WinRed-powered vibes are emanating off of all this merch.

Where does that leave us?

Next year, there will be an election. There will be work to do in order to ensure that the worst possible candidate is not elected. We have been through that cycle, and we are about to live it again. And let’s do that. Let’s stave off disaster.

But as we do so, let’s not forget that all of this is ridiculous, that what should be one of the most beautiful ways that we express our love for one another has always been sullied by layers of cynical, money-making gunk. Let’s remember that none of these candidates actually care about you and your communities. On one hand, that’s terrible news, but it’s also the best news. It means that the art of care lives with and between one another. All this election cycle nonsense is silly. Our relationships to each other aren’t. Our work is the same as its always been: to look out for our neighbors, to stand with those communities who are perennially under attack, and most importantly, to never wear Mike Pence merchandise while operating heavy machinery.

End notes:

No “Song of the Week” today, for very practical reasons (namely, if I were to insert it, I’d go over my email size limit, which means that instead of a great song you’re getting screenshots of Vivek merchandise). You’re, um, welcome?

Please know, as always, that I’m so grateful for all your support. Every week, a few more of you kindly choose to become free and paid subscribers, to share and comment, and (most gratifyingly) to pre-order The Right Kind of White. And I know I write about that gratitude a lot, but it’s because I really can’t get over it. Wow, you all. Thank you.